A big rant

I was going to title this a “A little rant” but then I remembered it was coming from a “big” girl by industry standards so there you go, a blog post titled a big rant.

I have mentioned on this blog that I am plus size, curvy, fat, whatever your preferred way of referring to someone who is larger in size than makes you feel comfortable. This is not necessarily something I hate or dislike about myself but I know I could definitely shed a few of those kilos and be healthier overall, which I am trying to do but it is not easy and not for the reasons you might think – not because I am a glutton or because I overdose on “bad” food every single day. There are no excuses for being “overweight” but there are a few contributing factors which I want to fill you in on so that you can either nod along in agreement because you know exactly what I am talking about or so that you can understand and hopefully make the decision to STOP JUDGING me or anyone who doesn’t look like you would prefer them to look.

EMOTIONAL STATE

I suffer with heavy anxiety, I am the victim of addiction, a few addictions actually, I have a past that if I shared would have many wondering how I even got through it with my head still pretty straight on my shoulders. I have not yet managed to get over that past therefore it affects me today in a way which would make total sense to you if you knew my story. Maybe one day I will be brave enough to post about it, maybe I won’t but that is not the point because I shouldn’t have to share my past with you or have to explain myself and my feelings/difficulties/emotional battles and scars to you because ideally you should just accept me as I am, but you don’t because I have some excess fat.

FINANCIAL STATE

Yes, you can eat healthy on a budget, I try my best but the problem comes in when you are on a REALLY tight budget and food prices go up and you find yourself with R200 for the week to feed yourself. Can you go and buy skinless boneless chicken? Can you by steak and a ton of fresh fruit and vegetable? Can you buy olive oil? No, you buy bread, eggs, the cheapest meat you can find and you make a plan.

THE ADDICTIVE STATE

If you don’t know by now, it has been proven that sugar is one of the most addictive substances and sugar is everywhere. Yes, some people can be assholes and not care or understand addiction but let me tell you it is very real and it is very hard to deal with. A lot of addiction goes way back to your past and if you will remember I mentioned mine was pretty shit a lot of the time so no matter how hard I try to quit my addictions, they worm themselves back because I haven’t completely dealt with the issues and the biggest reason for the addiction. But besides me, food addiction and eating disorders are out there and they are to be treated with the same patience and care that any other disease is treated with.

HEALTH STATE

I personally don’t have any health issues associated with weight but I am restricted with my foods because of a condition, which again, is none of your business. Tomatoes are considered a healthy choice and are a very important part of a salad, especially when you you don’t eat much or can’t afford to buy all the bits and bobs to add into a salad (avos?) well, I can’t eat tomatoes, among many other food items. There are conditions such as thyroid issues that if not picked up will be another contributing factor and since you are not a doctor (do I have any doctors that read my blog?) you do not know a thing about mine or anybody else’s health status.

EVERY OTHER SINGLE STATE

I enjoy food and I love chocolate. I am not one of those people who will ever starve myself of a chocolate once in a while. I will not go to extremes of depriving myself of everything I enjoy just to “look good” in a bikini. I am not, nor will I ever be someone who goes to a fancy restaurant and orders salad (if you are, then well done to you for that will power) because firstly salad prices at restaurants are ridiculous and secondly you eat something at a fancy restaurant that you don’t normally eat (hello ribs or something delicious). I am also a very fussy eater so the list of foods I actually eat is much smaller than the average person.

These are not excuses for being fat, they are contributing factors that are hard to beat and overcome. I don’t believe in making excuses. I know why I am the way I am. I know why I look the way I do. I know why I weigh as much as I do but it is not something I can change overnight, try and understand that.

The reason for this post is because I am so angry and sick to death of people assuming they know me just by looking at me or that they think they can judge me because “I don’t take care of myself”. You have no idea what I have been through or what I am going through right now. You actually know nothing about me because I only tell those who care and who have proven to me that I can trust them. Sorry, but you walking on the road or you that sees my picture on social media do not have the right to judge me nor do I have to explain myself, my habits, or my lifestyle to you! You can talk about me, pull a face at me, judge me or what I am eating, but I can promise you it is not going to change me and it certainly is not going to make you feel any better about yourself so ask yourself this, is there a reason to say those things or make those judgements? Is there a point to it? Are you helping me or yourself in any sort of way? Why does it bug you so much what I look like? Are you the one living my life? Are you the one who has to look at fat rolls and try treat cellulite? Does the food in my body make you fat? Does it make you feel shit about yourself? Do you have to find good angles to take a selfie because I don’t workout as much as you? If you answered no to any one or all of those questions then you have your answer and you can stop your shit.

I don’t need you to make me feel bad about myself, I can do that on my own. I don’t need you to remind me that I am heavier than the desired weight. I don’t need you to make me feel guilty because I eat, and it might not be what you think I should be eating.

Just so you know, I might have the biggest bum, but I also have the biggest heart.

k

 

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7 thoughts on “A big rant

  1. You are the most beautiful person inside AND out. I am very honoured and totally blessed to call you family! Don’t ever see yourself through somebody else’s eyes .. They too have little skeletons/demons in their closet. To make you feel worse makes them (in their fucked up minds) seem better.. Love you to the moon and back. Xxxx

  2. People suck. Full stop. You are such a beautiful woman. Inside and out. And your size has got nothing to do with anybody. PS Eating my way through a stressful time, so I know.

    1. Thank you Charlene.
      I try to tell myself all the time but it is definitely something that I have to train my mind to accept. I really don’t hate myself – I would like to lose a few but I will never be a size 34 and I am honestly fine with that, just don’t know why others can’t be?
      People definitely do suck because my personality and happiness should count more right? But it seems it doesn’t, not to everyone anyway.

  3. You ARE beautiful. You are an incredible person. You are unique.
    So dont worry what other people think/say/insinuate.
    You have a husband who loves you, family who adores you, and even fans who think you’re pretty cool.

    If you need/want some help with the other issues, give me a shout, I have a few tricks up my sleeve.

    Hugs and smiles.

      1. tomboyamelia@gmail.com or 0814779348
        Give me a shout any time you want to chat.
        Fair warning, it is religious help and hope for the future, but way I figure, is where better to get help and “use instructions” than from our “manufacturer”?
        🙂

  4. I’m so glad someone finally said it out loud (so to speak) that eating healthy is expensive! Especially in these tough times were people are just trying to make it from day to day.

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