It takes me a few days to warm up to the new year. Page 1 of my 365 page book is always one I leave blank because the first day of the new year is almost always a downer for me. Day one is the starting point of the vicious circle that we are re-entering, blindly, as always. It is the first day of it all starting again – routines, work, life, hardships, battles, fails, hurdles, achievements, lessons, the unknown, overcoming, highs and lows, all of the events and emotions that come each and every year without a doubt.
Don’t mistake this for negativity, it is reality and for me, it always seems a harsh one on day 1 of 365.
The end of a year allows us to relax for the first time in a whole year, we get to spend time with family, step out of the routine for just a while and feel in control of our days, plans and lives. For those who go on leave (myself) there is no specific time to wake up tomorrow, there is no worrying about what time I go to sleep at tonight because I will plan my day only when I wake up, it is complete freedom, for a week or two. And for those few days between Christmas and New Year there is a certain amount of hope that fills me, like something magical is going to happen on New Years Eve to change all of the things I want changed, to suddenly put my life on the right road finally. But New Years Eve comes and goes, nothing magical happens and on that morning of the first day of January you wake up to pretty much the same life. A bit of the hope disappears and the reality sets in again – “I have to start this all over again”.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate my life and I have many, many, many reasons to live and experience and see. I just take a day, which happens to be the first day of the new year to wallow in my thoughts of it all starting again. It is somewhat an anti climax.
But as I am going along with my emotional rollercoaster I realise that a) I might not be the only one feeling like this and b) I can change it to a certain degree. I can choose to be positive and look on the bright side of all the “New year, new me” stuff so I am going to and this is how.
2016 is a leap year which means that while I may have used (I wouldn’t say wasted) today I do still have 365 days to do what I can to get myself and my life to a place where I perhaps won’t feel so despondent entering next year. Where maybe I won’t dread going back to work so much because I have made the necessary changes, or where I won’t struggle to wake up every morning and feel lethargic all day because I have started yoga and exercise (like I want to do).
Maybe if I explain the end of last year to you, you will understand where I am coming from with this post. I was under too much pressure, I was too busy, I was too stressed, I was devastated when I received bad news, and I basically gave up the one thing that really helps me deal with all of those situations, which is writing and talking. Battling to sleep, mind beating me up, I was basically a bit of a wreck, although I didn’t show it, I felt it. The thing about my experience towards the end of last year was not that I hated it because I enjoy my job which was causing a lot of the pressure, I prefer being busy, I can handle stress most of the time. But I lost control – I put more pressure on myself, I stressed myself out more than I needed to because I had lost control of the situation and myself.
So as much as I spent today thinking about all of the above and maybe shedding a tear or two, I also decided to get the control back and put some goals (not resolutions) into place for the year because I still have my whole 365 pages, it is almost like I am being given a second start and I want to use it, in the best way I can. This is what my plans and goals are
- Stop putting extra pressure on myself.
- Go back to simple, simple life, simple goals, simple everything
- Actually try yoga
- Work towards getting my drivers license (this is where I need to not put too much pressure on myself, just the right amount)
- Take control of myself and my work
- Learn to be more assertive
- Write and read more
- Be selfish sometimes
- Start the creation of a life that I want to wake up to
These two sayings really resonated with me and pushed my motivation up a notch.
It’s not a new year, new me kind of time, it’s a get my ass into gear and make things happen kind of time.