Big things have happened in my life, mostly in the last three years but I know that there are more to come, which is exciting and daunting at the same time. I am not a good decision maker and all of the changes and things that are going to happen or that need to happen require some sort of decision. I am scared, I am confused and I am anxious.
Now that the wedding is done with, I have way more time to think about other things, about life, about our future, etc, etc. There are also many things that I have put off until after the wedding because of finances or because I didn’t want to deal with any added stress or decision making. Well, the time has come and I now have to tackle all of those things.
First things first. I made public announcements (public being my nearest and dearest) that after the wedding I was going to tackle my fear of driving and do the whole thing – learners (again) driving lessons and finally the big test. Now that the time is here, I am still motivated but I am SO scared! This fear has been in me for a few years now – maybe because I have been in two very small accidents that were not the driver in my car’s fault. This has put that whole “I can be a perfectly safe and alert driver but someone can kill me” idea in my mind. I am also very frightened of actually driving because I feel like there is so much to do all at once. Look, change gears, fiddle with pedals (gah, anxiety creeping in right about now). Anyway, despite the near anxiety attacks I have at the thought of doing it, I am going to do it because I want to do it, for myself, for everyone who has to drive me everywhere and mostly to kick this fear up the ass!
Naturally, now that we are married everyone is asking about the babies. I love children and often have my broody days but in reality I don’t know if I am ready, I don’t know if he is ready, but on the other hand I don’t know if we or anyone will ever truly feel ready to enter into this commitment. It is the biggest form of commitment there is because there is absolutely no going back on this. When the going gets tough, you have to stick it out, when that baby needs something, you have to give it to them no matter what! I have never wanted to be an “older” mother, I have always wanted to get things going in my life, follow the order, get shit done. But now that I am here, I am petrified because I don’t know what I want and when I want it!
The time has come where we are feeling our little starter home is just that – a little starter home so I have started looking at a move. Now, do we continue renting or get ourselves into even more debt and try and survive on a bond? Do we continue paying someone else’s bond or our own? Both have their advantages and disadvantages and well, I am confused. I also don’t know if I want to live closer to work or to family. I also fell in love with the mountain life, is this something I should look into?
My mind is a washing machine right now and I know that I am putting a lot of pressure on myself so quickly but I do need to have a plan. But where to even begin?
Everything is confusing right now!