I have really taken some time to find myself recently and while I haven’t entirely found myself I can say that I have learnt so much about myself that I can now either choose to embrace or change. Obviously, I am embracing most of the things but there are the odd ones I feel I need to change in order to live a happier/more fulfilled life.
Let me take you back just a little – when I entered the world of social media and blogging I had no idea what it was all about and had I known, I probably would have stayed away (obviously I am glad I didn’t know and I didn’t stay away). Without realizing it, little by little and day by day, this world I so badly wanted to be a part of was breaking me down. You see, I, like most of us on social media/blogging have become so involved and addicted to it that we spend most of our time with our heads down browsing through filtered (in every sense of the word) images and only the happy parts of peoples lives. Naturally, this got to me but I wouldn’t admit it to myself or to anyone – I hated it when I saw pictures of an event that was happening in Durban and I didn’t get an invite, I wanted to post pictures of myself in outfits I liked but I was too body conscious, I had FOMO over places/food I would never even go to/eat at because they were Instagrammed as the most amazing places/food and a biggie was that I couldn’t understand how/where/what people were doing to have so much money to be able to eat out all the time and spoil themselves with expensive clothes/shoes/makeup/whatever tickles their fancy. I barely make it to the end of the month.
But it didn’t stop there, I wasn’t only comparing myself and my life to those on social media, I was comparing/hating on my blog which was the biggest mistake I ever made. My blog was started as a way for me to write daily just because I love writing, that’s literally all there was to it, but suddenly I couldn’t just write. There was always this immense pressure and this nagging voice shutting down my ideas. Because of this I went through a stage where I blogged about things I liked but that I didn’t have much to say about (pictures of fashion are pretty self explanatory, I still love them though) which meant I wasn’t actually getting my writing in. I then went through a stage where I lost total interest and didn’t blog for months. I then missed it and the moment I clicked New post, I was drained, there was that pressure again but I pushed through and did a half ass job of the whole blogging thing because I loved my blog and wanted to keep it alive but didn’t know how. In my mind I was inferior.
Everything there was to be grateful for, I wasn’t grateful for because I wanted more, I wanted to be part of the cool kids, I didn’t want to be sitting at home in my pj’s playing games on my tablet on a Friday night, I wanted to at that event (even though my pj’s are so comfy and I love those silly little games on my tablet) but can you see what is wrong with that last sentence? Firstly, I have a tablet (I should be helluva grateful for that) I have a home (many don’t) and I actually like being at home in my pj’s and not having to rush around after work to get my hair straightened to attend the next event. So what was the actual problem?
On top of all of this, I am naturally a people pleaser, no not a suck up, not a softie (okay maybe a softie) but I like people to be happy, I don’t ever want to do or say anything that will upset anyone and I know this is a good thing BUT only to a certain extent – I was far beyond it, believe me!
The good news is, I have somehow managed to shake it, well at least most of it (if you know the secret of Instagrammers who are forever eating out and shopping, let me know please) and from now on this blog is my space. I am going to blog about what I like and actually show some personality on my space (not that my space, MY space, as in this blog)
I will always do my best to make people happy but sometimes I will not make myself unhappy in the process. I am also going to try spend more time reading books and going on special journeys created by authors with some depth instead of going on the jealousy/FOMO/FML journey.
So people, please, meet the new Guesswhatgirls
P.S. I still love fashion, I still love Taylor Swift and I still obsess over things/products/people so that will still feature but there will be more of me now!